The Lady With the Alligator Purse

Someone asked me today what I blog about.  I said that I normally post on my blog so I have something to do with the thousands of pictures I take of the kids, but that sometimes I write about more serious stuff as a form of therapy.  This post is definitely therapy.  Pages and pages of therapy.  :)  If you just drop by to check out the pictures, you'll want to check out now.  Don't worry, I won't be offended because it's just not for everyone and I'm okay with that.

For starters I'd like to thank the Holy Spirit, a renegade medical assistant, a fellow AHG mom, and Mother Theresa.  I realize that's a strange roll call, but they were all an answer to prayer this past week.  Let me explain...

With many other Catholics I prayed a Novena (Don't know what a Novena is?  Check it out HERE) with the specific intention of gaining parenting wisdom.  You see, it's been a full out crazy fest at our house and I felt like I was going to die a premature death at the hands of my children and their angry tantrums.  I know that sounds really overly dramatic, but you don't live here.  :)

You probably recall our recent struggles with Brooke's anger and OCD tendencies and that we were seeking medical help from a holistic doctor for those issues.  We've been treating her with amino acid therapy with the idea/hope that there would be some changes to the way her brain is interpreting the messages it receives.  The overall desired outcome was for her to be less anxious and less angry.  For what we're paying, I was hoping to that she develop an insatiable need to do laundry so I wouldn't have to do it anymore.  :)

After months of being on this treatment, I had a frank conversation last week with our doctor's assistant who shared in confidence that she's only seen this treatment work a handful of times, not because it's not effective, but because it's cost prohibitive to see this treatment through to the end.  Initially, I was told that this treatment could take up to a year. We were mentally prepared to shell out money for that amount of time if it would help Brooke in the long run.  But what was so shocking was when his assistant shared that it could takes YEARS (yes, that was plural!) before we finally get the right dosage and balance of chemicals in Brooke's brain.  I was shocked, very briefly angry, but relieved because I believe that this woman who went out on a limb with her honest observations of patients over the last ten years to let me know that this was not a viable option for our family.  It's absolutely cost prohibitive and especially since it looks like Brooke's not the only angry bird in our family.

In the background of Brooke's general craziness, Stella's 3 year old, non-napping penchant for mischief and subsequent exhausted crying fits, trying to keep the most perfect baby safe, cooking 3 grain free meals from scratch, home education, laundry, other house chores, there is my handsome five year old son. In the last several months he has turned into a crazy, angry, temporarily insane at times, monster when things don't go his way. Please, someone run me over with your car!  Don't worry, I can't press charges if I'm dead.  :)

Luke had previously been on the crazy wagon back in our old house in Northern Kentucky, but for whatever reason when we moved a little over a year ago,  he seemed to have worked that out.  I chalked it up to maturity.  Just when he lulled me into a false sense of security, he began to become irate at bedtime.  If things didn't go his way to the letter (which letter changes by the minute), he refused to stay in bed and was throwing HUGE and lengthy tantrums at bedtime.  If he happened to fall asleep under protest from sheer exhaustion, he'd wake up in the wee hours of the morning and take up his issues at my bedside.  There is no other way that this kid is still alive other than Divine Intervention because surely after fighting with him all day, he could have lost his life at 1 AM when he was arguing with me about whatever issue ticked him off at bedtime 5 hours ago. Seriously!

This incident ended after Mark restrained him in the basement for one hour while Luke released his anger by screaming at the top of his lungs and trying to bite Mark.  I lay in bed upstairs praying that the neighbors would not call the police.  No, it wasn't as if we were doing anything wrong, I was just too exhausted to explain the craziness that happens within the walls of our home.  When Luke woke in the morning his face was red from crying so hard and so long he broke blood vessels/capallaries (I'm not dr. so please forgive me if I'm completely off base!) around his eyes and temples.

People think I'm kidding when I say that our kids are crazy.  I've known behaviorally something was up with Brooke since she was 3  and then Luke when he was about 2.5.  It's been in the last year that I've finally run out of energy trying to explain to people why we can't go here or there or that we don't go places after dinner and that at the latest, we need to be home by 8 PM or there might be bloodshed.  No, people see my sweet, polite, well spoken kids out in public and are so charmed by their precociousness and good looks (I had to throw that in there too!) that they can't imagine that the locks are reversed on my kids' bedroom doors so all of us can live another day without someone loosing their life. 

 I got tired of listening to people say "oh, you just need to do____________ and I'm sure they'll gain some self control".  Even my own sister admitted while we were on vacation that if she hadn't witnessed Stella swimming, playing hard all morning long, being read too, tucked into a peaceful, room darkened bed at nap time only for her to play around for 2 hours and not nap, she wouldn't have believed it.  "You're the mother.  Make her take a nap."  Yes, what you don't realize is that if your kids are unwilling to go along with the "program", you're (read MY) mothering powers are void.  Think how effective a platoon of soldiers would be if they didn't obey the commanding officer. Isn't free will fun?  But, no, you say "you must not have done ______________."  The conversation goes on and on. 

Yes, some of you with more easy going, "textbook" kind of kids are rebelling against idea that you can't find the "right" consequence to reign any kid into obeying and to teach them self control.  I know how you feel because I've been racking my brain, reading parenting books, consulting with medical professionals and even more recently, psychologists.  The thought of what our kids would become as teenagers when they are stronger and even more moody and angry scared the pants right off of me and kept me moving forward to the next thing to try. 

So needless to say, when the opportunity to pray a Novena to the Holy Spirit was presented to me, I knew exactly what my prayer intention would be...parenting wisdom.  I've been suffering so long because I am a persevering person will doesn't give up easily.  No, I'm going to kill myself trying to find a "solution" to our behavioral issues.   Add in Mark's stubborn, just for the sake of being stubborn, I'll-cut-off- my-nose-to-spite-my-face kind of nonsense, our kids didn't win the genetic lottery, for sure. 

A sweet friend of mine brought to my attention that this anger was likely a genetic, "incurable" kind.  Does that mean we throw off all consequences because in the name of anger the kids can't control themselves?  No and no.  It's just calling a spade a spade and moving from being solution oriented to acceptance.

Over the course of the 9 days as I prayed this Novena, I met a mom at the AHG camp out that has an autistic son.  Some moms were chit chatting and the topic of Disney World came up.  Now, if you know Mark at all, you know he would sleep in the park if he could.  We don't call him "Disneyland Dad" for nothing.  :)  Anyway, this mom shared that they can't take their 13 year old son to Disney because no matter how many times they explain to him that the characters are just people dressed up, he doesn't get it and it freaks him out.  I went home thinking how devastated Mark would be if we couldn't take our whole family to Disney because it freaked one of them out so badly.I realize with an autistic child Disney is the smallest of worries, but still it made me think.  It sounds so silly in a way, but it got me thinking that people who have special needs children HAVE to do things differently. 

These last several years I feel like I've had a broken record playing in my head.  When the kids would go postal over something small I would think, this just isn't normal.  Over and over again.  After a while I started getting angry at times because Mark and I would try to do something fun with the kids (or even just normal everyday necessities), but they just couldn't handle it and we would be so frustrated.  As time when on, frustration turned to anger and anger turned to bitterness because all the while we're thinking this isn't normal, why are we dealing with this nonsense?.  Other people's kids don't behave like this.  What are we doing wrong?  Listen to that voice of Satan for long enough and you can see this isn't going well.

I told Mark that if we don't start thinking of our kids as having "special needs" then this family is headed for ruin with the two of us at the helm of the S.S. Disaster.  I know people who sadly live their life angry over the life they thought God should have given them or how their life didn't turn out as they thought it would.  That is the road to bitterness and discontentment.  I believe God is in control of EVERYTHING.  Our joys, blessings, and our suffering.  I trust that He has the best plans for me and my family.  I believe this even when I am suffering and my family is chaotic.  I believe this when I am exhausted and sad.  God is everything and I will praise Him for the life He's given me no matter that it looks different or is harder than what I thought it would be.

The Holy Spirit has clearly answered my cry for parenting wisdom, but I had no idea that He would so clearly confirm what's been revealed to me over the last 9 days in Mother Theresa.  For the record, I think MT was a fantastic lady, but to be truthful, past her work with the poorest of poor, I didn't really know much else.  I "randomly" (I have a hard time even typing this because God doesn't do random) or maybe I should say felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to pick up a book off the new non-fiction shelf called Where There is Love, There is God, a collection of MT's own words.  One passage that stuck me so deeply was focusing on silence.  She was talking about a silence of the heart.  She says,

You must be full of silence, for in the silence of the heart God speaks.  An empty heart God fills.  Even Almighty God will not fill a heart that is full--full of pride, bitterness, jealousy--we must give these things up.  As long as we are holding these things, God cannot fill it.

After all this time of searching for the "thing" that will make my parenting journey easier and my kids' life easier and our family more peaceful, it was right there under my nose.  You can call me "Miss Lucy" because I've all but summonded the "Lady With the Alligator Purse"! My heart was full of a lot of icky stuff and I didn't know it was there until God revealed it to me. I was refusing to accept my kids the way God made them.  Does that mean that in a snap my life somehow got easier and calmer after I figured this out?  Um, no.  But it does remind me that God gave me the family He wanted me to have, so that through them and with them, we can learn, love, and serve Him and let His light shine though us and our circumstances. 

Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart all of you that have listened while I cried, complained, and ranted.  That have loved, supported, and prayed for and encouraged me while I was drowning in my own self sufficiency.  I am ever so grateful to know that you forgive my shortcomings and sinfulness and continue to encourage me to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that God longs for me to be. 

My prayer for you is that you too will empty your heart of all that keeps you in a place that is not the place our Heavenly Father has set aside for you. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all encouragement, who encourages us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to encourage those who are in any affliction with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God. " 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. 

Diversions

 Last week while Mark was working it was business as usual (laundry, feeding people and school) except we planted our "city" garden and threw in a trip to my parents.  The weather was nice and hot, but in the shade it was delightful.  It was so nice we ate breakfast outside not once, but twice.

 The spot we designated for our garden turned out to not get enough sun. Booooo.  I didn't want to completely give up my gardening dreams so I put some veggies in pots instead.  After I ran out of pots, I found a reusable Kroger wine carrier (the blue bag), a Rubbermaid container from the basement and an unused bucket.  I used the drill to put drainage holes in the containers and hopefully with adequate water, we should have some zucchini, tomatoes, peppers and some basil in a few months.

 Before we realized how little sun the raised bed actually got, we planted two raspberry plants.  Even in little sun I think we'll have a few raspberries this summer.

 It would have also been a bummer to plant in the raised and take away one of the kids favorite play spots.

 While Luke, Stella and I were planting, Brooke was doing her school work.  She has a hard time staying focused on her work so something that could potentially take 30 minutes, probably takes closer to an hour. 

 While we were planting our veggies Luke remarked that we haven't been to my parents house in a long time.  It's true because my parents usually come to us instead.  Since Mark was gone and school work was finished, we headed to Granna and Grampy's to play.  My parents had the windows open and there was an unbelievable breeze blowing through the house.

 After playing and eating dinner outside, we loaded up to get some ice cream at the Dairy Bar in "Busy Town", my parents small town main street where all the action is.  I use the term "action" loosely here, with the library, a few shops and restaurants, it's a busy as their town gets.

 I thought ahead and brought the kids pajamas so after all the playing, sweating and ice cream, Brooke and Luke took a shower and Stella and Nash got a bath in the kitchen sink.

 Our normal life is busy enough that we don't really need any diversions while Mark is away, but on Friday (the day after the garden planting and visit to my parents) we were counting down the hours until we got to go to the lake the next day.  We ate breakfast outside again and while I was cleaning up the kitchen, the kids played in the yard.  Because Nashy Boy refuses to walk, he gets caged like a lion and has to watch the other kids have fun from the deck.

 I looked up from the kitchen sink once to find Luke entertaining Nash by crawling under the exersaucer.

 I was pretty pooped trying to pack up everything our family of 6 needs to go out of town for 4 days that I decided I didn't want to cook.  I cook every day, 3 meals a day from scratch so I decided that we'd order in pizza like other Americans on a Friday night. 

My mom actually inspired this spur of the moment decision because she's the one that told me a local pizza place makes gluten free pizzas.  We don't normally eat gluten free pizza as it has other grains in it, but I was tired and thought this was just what we needed. After I got off the phone from ordering, I was positively giddy with the thought that dinner was being delivered to our house.

It was a huge success and the pizza was actually pretty darn good.  We all agreed that it was a great thing and Brooke was sweet enough to realize what a nice break it was for me not to have to make dinner. I did actually make some kale chips and some fruit to go with it, but it was much easier than making the entire dinner myself. We all enjoyed it so much (poor Mark missed out) that I think we'll probably get it again, soon.  :)

Desperate for the Dishwasher

 I don't know what it is about babies and dishwashers, but Nash tries his hardest to make a beeline for it every time he hears the clinking of the plates or the jingling of the silverware going into the basket.  We usually head him off or close it up just as his hot little hands reach for it, but on this morning, we humored him to see what he would actually do.  It was in a matter of seconds that he was on it and in it.

He's been greatly disappointed that this was a one time deal.  In a few short years he'll be helping Luke unload the clean dishes in the morning.  I hope he likes the dishwasher as much then.  :)

AHG Camping

 This past weekend Brooke and I had the pleasure of going camping with her American Heritage Girls troop.  I mean that in the sincerest way because I do love camping.   Even if I was a non-camper, this overnight was far from painful.  Sleeping in a cabin was very welcome as we didn't have any run-ins with any scary spiders like the older girls who slept in platform tents.

 We arrived mid afternoon on Saturday and after unpacking went on  short hike.  I spotted this frog in the grass along the way and some girls (Brooke included) were brave enough to pick it up.

 Brooke and friend, Annie.  Ironically, Annie's brother was in Luke's Sunday school class and her sweet mom works in the nursery at church.  I don't think I could live long without the nursery at church.  :)

 The girls learned about first aid....

 and fire safety.  Interestingly enough, fire safety involved 7 year olds striking matches.  Brooke was very brave and struck the match even when the "alarm" in her head was telling her DANGER.

Brooke slept on the top bunk and I on the bottom.  I would have thought after being outside that when we climbed into bed at 11 PM that I would have dozed off to sleep right away.  I didn't, but it might have something to do with the bunk "mattress", the cricket living in the wall and random things falling from top bunks periodically.  I do feel grateful that none of the girls who were there without their moms cried.  That's a big deal for 7 year olds! 

Brooke and I were pleasantly surprised when one of the leaders made a gluten free dessert for the dessert cook off.  It was a turtle cake type thing with carmels inside and peanuts on top.  It was so tasty that it took the prize!

The funny thing about camping is that every time I go, I come back scheming to figure out how we can go again.  I drug Mark to a nearby campground to scope out a family trip.  We're hoping to tent camp one night in the beginning of June before it gets too hot. I can't stop once I start, it stings!  :)

Mark's Favorite Time of Year

 If you want to get a hold of my husband for the next two weeks, you'd better go to Kings Island or the Atlanta Airport.  Mark is so busy soaking up an uncrowded amusement park he can hardly think of anything else.  He took the kids Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Was it any wonder they are all exhausted and crazier than ever?

On Wednesday Mark took the older three kids to KI in the morning and was back by 2 PM.  I asked if the park had closed, but no, he had in intentions of going BACK around 4 PM. The weather was awesome so I woke Nashy Boy up from his nap and drug him along too.  He was a good boy, eating dinner in his stroller.

 Instead of taking our double stroller, we took two singles.  Why?  I don't know, we just did.  Do you love the goggles and the sunglasses on Sister Sue?

 Because this was my first time to the park this year the kids were dying to ride every ride with me.  There's nothing too painful in Planet Snoopy so I didn't mind.

 When Luke took that life jacket off in the pool at the beach he released some inner bravery no one knew he possessed.  Like jumping in and getting his face wet, Luke just decided that he was going to ride the roller coasters that he had previously been afraid of.  It's been settled.  He can't ride them enough.  Mark's heart is swooning.  :)

 What's crazy is that even when Brooke refuses to ride with him and Mark can't because he has to wait with Stella, Luke goes by himself.  Over and over again.

 Brooke's anxiety over everything and nothing has transferred to the amusement park as well.  She'll only ride a handful of rides and refuses to ride on some of her favorites from last year.  Oh, well it's her funeral.  Maybe by the end of the summer she'll get her grove back.

The highlight for the kids this week was running through this splash maze.  I don't know what it's really called, but I do know that the kids enjoy it immensely.  This week it opened at 4 PM which is why Mark wanted to go back in the afternoon.  I think we have maybe one more week of walking on the rides and after that we pretty much just stick to the water park until everyone else goes back to school.  Looks like it's going to be a fun summer!

609 Pictures Later

 We made it back home in one piece, praise the Lord!  It was a little touch and go at times like when Brooke was throwing a fit 30 minutes into our drive or when I almost yakked from car sickness driving up and down and around the Blue Ridge Mountains in WV or when we almost ran out of gas half way home.  Thankfully, no one died on our 11 hour road trip.  We were pretty darn tired, but unscathed. 

Do you love the picture Mark snapped of my dad while he was sunning himself?  I got permission to post that picture, just so you know. I'd like to be napping with my mouth open right now. :) Love you, dad!

 Yes, just like the title indicates, I took over 600 pictures.  I think I need 30 days of rehab to kick this obsession.  Put me somewhere sunny, warm and quite.  I'm sure that's all it will take.  :) No, my fellow 12 steppers would probably send me packing too since they probably don't want me taking 600 pictures of them either.  Aren't you glad you don't vacation with  me?

 Our Nashy Boy seemed to have kicked that nasty fever he had for a few days.  He was back to his usual...smiles, giggles, and his latest trick, climbing stairs.  Can you say "Hurry and get one more baby gate!"?

 Please stop growing!

 Brooke took this picture which is partly why my arm is more in focus than our faces.  I don't care I love it anyway and I love, love, love my new headband my niece "gave" me.  I'm supposed to bake some grain free scones for her, but haven't yet.

 I feel sorry for Mark and my dad and someday, Luke and Nash.  This family is an all out girl fest.  We had the best time watching movies and hanging out.  A week is definitely not long enough.

 Luke and Granna played more Uno than I could count.  Luke is one lucky boy. 

 Before we left for the beach I impulsively bought kites from the dollar bins at Target.  I'm telling you that was money well spent.  Rumor has it things were a little rocky at first, but by the time I made it down to the beach with my camera, it was smooth sailing and everyone was happy.

 I went up to the house for something and came back about 45 minutes later and Luke was lying on the beach just like this.  I figured he was pouting because that would be something that he would do, but no, he had let his kite out as far as it would go and was just laying in the sand holding onto the string.  For an hour!  It was a hoot!

 On Friday night after dinner and a round of Apples to Apples, Mark put the kids to bed and I went out on the beach to photograph my sister and nieces.  The light was to die for so the pictures turned out just as I had hoped.

 If you want to see more like this check out my photography blog here.

 My sister HATES to have her picture taken, but I conned her into letting me take her picture solo by telling her that when she dies I'll have to put a picture of her in her bathing suit beside the casket if she won't let me take any others. That seemed to work.  I'm sick like that.  :)  My niece, Stephanie took this picture of the two of us.  I love my sister and I'm so glad they came on vacation with us.

 The real heroes of this vacation (and pretty much my entire life!) are my parents.  They entertained my children, cooked and cleaned up, and are pretty darn fun to spend time with.  I am truly blessed to call these two mine. 

Saturday morning when we got up at 5 AM this is what the sky looked like.  I didn't edit this picture at all so you can imagine the beauty of seeing this beautiful sunrise in real life.  To think that God created the sunrises and oceans just for us to enjoy is truly amazing.  Tired or not, I'm thanking our Heavenly Father for the memories of our vacation that will live on in those 609 pictures I took.  And to think, we get to do this all again in about a month with Mark's family is just too much!  Can you say spoiled? :)

A Short Walk on a Long Pier

We took a short field trip to the pier a couple of days ago.  I'm happy to stay close to the house, but other people like to leave so Mark, my dad, Carly, Brooke, Luke, Stella and I drove a few miles south to Jeanette's Pier. I'm a homebody, what can I say?

It's only two years old so it's not covered in fish guts and there aren't gaps in the floor boards.

Carly will head back to finish up her senior year of high school and prom next weekend.

Watching the surfers who were wearing wet suits.  It turns out that the water is 64 degrees, not the 66 I thought.  That hasn't stopped the kids from going in the ocean.  Brrrr!!

I took Stella to Urgent Care yesterday afternoon because she was still complaining that her ear was hurting.  It turned out to be a minor infection that her body should be able to take care of on it's own.  I pocketed the prescription for antibiotics and now we wait and see. Peace of mind...priceless.   The bill for the portion our insurance doesn't cover...not so much. :)

Two different fisherman snagged a Skate (a cousin of the stingray) on their lines as we were walking by.

Of course we couldn't just get by with looking, we left the gift shop with temporary tattoos and some other plastic, miniature sea creatures that are probably lost by now.  That's all part of the experience I suppose.  :)

We head home tomorrow.  Insert sobbing. I know you can't imagine that I could possibly have pictures I haven't shared, but I do and I'll post the rest on Sunday.  Please pray for another smooth trip home.  See ya back at the ranch!